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Building Confidence as a New Mom:

Finding that intuition they all say you’re supposed to have.

by Allison Hurst, MS, LPC

Trust your gut, I would hear. You are her mama.

The advice sounded like an old wives’ tale that should maybe have a silly nursery rhyme attached to it, because gut instincts about parenthood were definitely not something I seemed to have.

I just wanted to scream at them, MY GUT HAS NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE! It is actually very untrustworthy.

But of course, I didn’t. I smiled politely, said thank you for the really very helpful encouragement and frantically googled some things after they had turned around.

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Becoming a fresh, new parent brings a set of paradoxes that you may have never had to consider before:

You are more tired than you knew could be possible, but can only sleep if another human allows you.

The one person that needs sleep the most, and thus dictates the sleep patterns of everyone else, simply will not sleep unless it is an inconvenient time.

And lastly,

Everyone tells you to trust your parent intuition, yet you haven’t had one of those before, so you aren’t quite sure that is a good idea.

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While in some ways I think this phenomenon spans generations, current new parents are dealing with a specific set of anxiety-provoking elements about parenthood. We have virtual “answers” to everything at our fingertips, and professionals (pediatricians, lactation consultants, etc) available to call, but the massive surge of information can easily feel overwhelming and sometimes outright contradictory.

How do I trust my intuition amidst all that? Does anyone actually know what I am supposed to be doing?

I think these questions answer each other, in a way.

Since there are so many opinions out there about child rearing, we really do have to tap into an intuitive mindset to choose what works best for our child and family, and be willing to change these perspectives when we learn differently or receive new information about our children.

The bad news is that building that gut instinct really does come with a trial-and-error kind of process.

Trial and error?! This is my baby we are talking about, lady!

No, no, no, don’t get me wrong. You should absolutely be well-read and researched when it comes to sleep methods and feeding and safety measures and how to care for a child. I am actually such a big fan of such things that my husband calls me the family safety officer.

I also recommend preparing for how to care for yourself during postpartum. Preparation and knowledge is so, so important. This part is non-negotiable.

The trial and-error piece comes in when the information surge begins to sound like a roaring in your ear, but without a lot of individualized wisdom pertaining to you and your family.

Those are the moments to try out your instincts.

Do I call the lactation consultant or maybe wait a couple of hours?

Is baby lead weaning or purees the best option for my son?

When do we move her to a separate room from ours?

How do I best introduce my baby to my toddler?

Building this instinct requires a foundation of knowledge that allows you to then draw from your family’s personal experience in making the decision. The intuition is what you call on as a way to sort through the static of information.

Research actually tells us that parents who have confidence in their parenting continue to make healthier choices for their children:

“Parents who feel more confident in their role as a parent not only perceive themselves as being effective in their parenting role but are more likely to engage in successful parenting practices” [5].

When you move with a sense of conviction about the choices you have made, then you can continue to make those choices in an educational and intuitive manner.

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Here are a few of my personal tips for building parenting confidence:

• Celebrate parenting milestones, not just your baby’s

You are growing into parenthood as your child grows into babyhood. You’ve never done this before, and there are plenty tiny accomplishments along the way to celebrate your success. I remember the first time I used a “snot sucker,” and the first time I nursed in a public place, or even the first time I drove “just the two of us” in the car somewhere. Though terrifying in their own right, the hump

of just “doing the thing” helped me find an exhilarating sense of pride, along with the reminder that “here you are, already, actually doing it.”

I was not just a parent, but I was really, truly parenting.

Each of those moments built confidence for the next one.

• Learn from other Mamas without falling into the comparison trap

Early into motherhood I shared this blog about my favorite Instagram follows of mamas and professionals that seemed to help the unique experience of new-motherhood feel less isolating.

We should also be looking for these relationships in real life. Who are the slightly more seasoned mothers around you who can share some recent experiences with you? You’ll be surprised that all your friends probably do things a little differently, and that that is totally okay! Hearing differing opinions from people you trust (and people who, so far, haven’t completely ruined a child’s life) can build confidence in yourself to use your own judgement as well.

• Who can you text at 3 am?

A community of moms is important, but Mamas with babies in the same stage is crucial. My sister-in-law and I would swap texts and memes between middle-of-the-night feedings for several months.

There is a comradely in knowing that you are not the only person awake, tending to someone else’s needs, and wading into the waters of parenthood together.

Some day you will only text each other during normal, waking adult hours, and you’ll almost (I said almost, okay?) miss the sisterhood and raw vulnerability of the new-mama conversations you used to share through bleary eyes.

• You don’t have to answer to the masses

From strangers to family members to sweet little church ladies, everyone will want to know how your baby is sleeping and why you are doing things a certain way. As a new mom it may feel like you can see their criticisms of you painted all over their faces, and you’ll want to tell them exactly why you are doing it like this, right now.

Find short, polite ways to end the conversation before you feel like you are justifying all your tiny parenting decisions to someone who is not living out the hours with you.

• Reach out to professionals

Utilize your pediatrician, your midwife, lactation consultant, perinatal mental health counselor, chiropractor, pelvic floor therapist, doula, and whoever else you have on the docket, for advice and questions. As an established patient, you are not bothering someone who has already chosen to care for you and your child.

Questions are to be expected, and not a single one is dumb.

Remember, you’ve never done this parenthood thing before, and your baby has never been an outside-the-womb human before. You’re going to need some tips, and you’re going to have some questions and concerns. Get comfortable with picking up the phone to ask the people who are specifically trained to provide support for you.

References:

1. Coleman, P. K., & Karraker, K. H. (1998). Self-efficacy and parenting quality: Findings and future applications. Developmental Review, 18(1), 47–85. https://doi.org/10.1006/drev.1997.0448
2. Fulton, J. M., Mastergeorge, A. M., Steele, J. S., & Hansen, R. L. (2012). Maternal perceptions of the infant: Relationship to maternal self‐efficacy during the first six weeks’ postpartum. Infant Mental Health Journal, 33(4), 329–338. https://doi.org/10.1002/imhj.21323
3. Leerkes, E. M., & Crockenberg, S. C. (2002). The development of maternal self‐efficacy and its impact on maternal behavior. Infancy, 3(2), 227–247. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327078in0302_7
4. Postpartum support international – psi. Postpartum Support International (PSI). (2023, November 17). https://www.postpartum.net/
5. Vance, A. J., & Brandon, D. H. (2017). Delineating among parenting confidence, parenting self-efficacy, and competence. Advances in Nursing Science, 40(4). https://doi.org/10.1097/ans.0000000000000179